The SCOOP on SEX being traded with household chores
Welcome to the power-struggle that goes on behind closed doors, that has become the normal for many couples and sadly sex is being traded on a reward basis, “ Do the chores and you get rewarded, and for some it is followed by empty promises”.
“Sex is back on the trade market and it’s happening in the family home!”
I get it, we each have to be willing to step up and take responsibility with those we are living with, and it’s a TEAM approach and many women feel like they are doing it all, I am here to give my humble and no hiding opinion. The truth can and will sting as the ego will hide at all cost!
I am here to flip the lid, to open up the can of worms and iron of the BS many are living within, in silence.
There was a theme I was noticing. Men were feeling heard in my space as a friend, they were bending over backwards to keep their partners happy, yet their own desires/needs were not honored and even worse their voices unheard. It was time to be an advocate for them, to expose the truth and create a wave in bridging the gap!
- A list of chores to be done at a weekend
- Rewards promised- excuses pop up
- Seeking outside emotional connection
- Confused and feeling undesirable
- Putting on a face of happiness- getting angry is looked upon as ‘un-caring’
“ For all the parents out there housework with children is like clearing snow when it is snowing”
You can feel like it is never ending and I am inviting you to think of this;
At the end of your life, will you recall the clean and tidy house or will you recall all the spontaneous passionate moments with one another, like when you first met?
I know what I would choose?
Let’s explore the five themes observed and see which of them resonate in your life, and then how to shift the scales.
1. Given a list of chores at a weekend
From listening to and hearing men talk openly about their lives behind closed doors, I started to notice a theme about their weekend, a list of chores! It made me investigate a little deeper and become curious as within the same conversation they many were sadly not having any intimate affection at home. For the first time in a long while they were being heard, seen, respected, adored and a level of intimacy through open connection. Yet, at home they felt un-desired and had started switching off their natural animalistic desires for sexual intimacy, many sharing how they found it challenging to sustain a “hard-on”, as when they were aroused they were shamed by their wife’s and so they felt more and more rejected.
2. Rewards promised- excuses pop up- minimal/no intimacy
Men want to provide, care, support, express through touch and they feel affection through intimacy, it is not that they are pleasure hungry it is a language of LOVE and many men are feeling invisible, undesired and not honored as men!
It was time to provide a solution as something as pleasurable and juicy as sex within a relationship, is not a reward once they had got through their list! They were showing me the old program of the “Obedient partner”, or so they think!”
The lists were completed, “Good job” and still no intimacy! WTF.
What happened to being playful and a little bit kinky? A cheeky bending over for them while doing the chores together, now that would be fun housework, a life long memory etched within the psyche and I bet everyone would be smiling and so much happier! How about sharing a bath together and even a sneaky passionate kiss while tidying up, with the passion as when you first met… that kiss!
3. Seeking outside emotional connection
It is not cheating to look at another woman or man, it is natural human behavior, is it cheating to connect with another on a deep emotional level outside your relationship? That is a massive question and the answer many are not ready to digest. The point is, if time and time again desires are rejected, then to seek outside connection is warranted. It all comes down to individual choice.
Allow me to open your eyes and hearts, if you go to a restaurant and keep ordering your favourite dish, each time it gets close, you smell the warm aroma, every cell in your body is waiting in anticipation, your mouth is watering and your sexual arousal heating up, and you are about to place the first of the offering into your mouth and then BOOM!
The waiter comes along, slaps your hand and takes it away! WTF does sound familiar?
Now imagine this happening again and again, soon you start despising the food, the restaurant and especially the waiter. If you are smart you will find the manager and speak up with your honest, straight to the point feedback. You will find another restaurant with more hospitable and loving service, and once there may order every dish on the menu as that last one left a sour taste in your mouth!
This is the BEST way I can bring this to a cosmic slap in the face, so I really wish for the women to also read this, as the shoe may also be on the other foot. Men thrive on affection and feeling desired, adored and most vital to be supported in their creative passions.
4. Confused and feeling undesirable
Many women have become ‘over controlling and their feminine essence forgotten” and many men have adapted by becoming into the feminine role. We are both, yet for a woman to soften into her feminine, requires strong masculine unwavering presence.
I don’t believe in rewards for my children, and would never give rewards within an intimate relationship, it is all about being fully present within that moment and giving your full attention with full honesty and rawness in the moment. No other expectation than, “ Be here now”.
Rewards with children cultivates a mentality of “rewarding for obedient and good behaviour, and they are less likely to think outside the box of conformity. They are having to conform to my rules, yes provide guidelines by being the example and that is about leveling the playing field.
Enter the parent V child role in the adult relationship, they feed and need one another, the thirst and quest for approval and the hope of some fun between the sheets and feeling un-loved while walking on egg-shells.
It is more powerful to work together as a family and that means having ownership and taking responsibility of their environment. A rewards system creates less initiative, expectation and long-term disappointment.
5. Putting on a face of happiness- getting angry is seen as ‘un-caring’
The playing field has shifted too far the other way, where men can feel so confused when it comes to expressing healthy emotions. Yes, anger is a healthy emotion as suppressed anger leads to depression and hopelessness. It is an emotion that eats away inside, leading to resentment and an under-lying belief of “ I’m not good enough and I am not worthy’.
To raise your voice is seen as aggressive, yet it is okay for women to scream and command orders. I get it, as a woman hearing a raised voice pushed me into fear, as it was old stuff and by not addressing it there was a block within intimate relationships. So, I have seen both sides.
This is not about screaming at one another, learning to express and get that anger out, allow the truth to be expressed, it is time to own it!
Playing the ‘happiness card when you are feeling un-heard’ is only damaging you and if you have children, there is an even bigger pink elephant within the room as they are learning that feeling not matter, to be a doormat and that the woman is always right and that they mean nothing.
This can be tricky to navigate when you feel shut down and un-heard, rejection after rejection, can bring you to the point of saying nothing and settling for mediocrity.
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